askpixie.

02.19.05

Hey pixie,

I've missed your news lately, I hope you had a good holiday.  I thought you might appreciate a non-hair related question, so here it goes: my grandparents, who are known throughout our family as being mean and vindictive people, send each member of my family a check for Christmas and birthdays, which we accept despite the meanness.  I did not receive a check or even the normal card for my birthday, which I dismissed as forgetfulness because they are getting close to their 80s.  But this Christmas I was thoroughly embarrassed when my family and I sat in a circle and each of us opened our Christmas card to find a check, except me, my card was empty.  My mother insists this was another mistake but I'm not so sure. 

What should I do to find out if they meant to snub me or not?  I have considered sending a Thank You note to them, thanking them for the card, but I'm afraid that's too subtle.  Keep in mind, I'd rather not piss them off anymore than I may already have.

Thanks,

Sara W.

P.S.  You don't have to run this, its just a stupid question.

Sara, why wouldn't I answer you? This is a good, valid question.

If I were you, I would have your mom, or another family member, piss them off for you. Your relative that isn't you can express how disappointed you were to not only receive nothing for your birthday, but then to receive an empty card for Xmas. S/he can even assure them that s/he was sure it was an oversight, but that you felt like they were mad at you.  

Either that, or I would call them and ask them if they were mad at you for something, but ask all innocent and hurt. "Are you guys mad at me about something? Did I do something wrong? Am I being singled out for some reason? What can I do to make you love me again?" etc.  

Make them feel guilty.  

It works for me.

However, sometimes there are battles that can't be won. I know the hurtfulness of someone that you try to make your family (even if they are blood relations, they aren't always family!) not seeming to give a crap about you.

One year for my birthday, my mom invited my stepgrandparents over for cake to celebrate my birthday.

When they arrived, they brought me an all-purpose religious card, made out to Christene, with a Jesus-magnet they had clearly just pulled off the fridge and dropped into the envelope before bringing it over. It sure made me feel special!

Or the time my entire family went to St. Wenceslaus's Goulash Festival: me, my sister, my stepsister, my stepbrother, my mom, and my dad. We ran into the stepgrandparents there -- it was their church, afterall. Stepgrandmother introduced us to people as the following, "This is our son K, our daughter-in-law M, and our grandchildren, Stinkerbell, Short-Round, and D. Oh, and this is M's daughter."

Year after year, I watched my sisters sit behind walls of presents from my stepgrandparents, gleefully tearing into them, while I didn't even get a card.

Oh well. She died a few years ago*, and he's now a lonely old kook without love or family.

I have all the family I need in my life, and I think that even if your grandparents turn out to be total shits, you probably have all the family you need around you too, blood or not.

Yesterday & Tomorrow.

*And yes, I did go to the funeral and cry. I'm human afterall, and many of my family members loved her and miss her. My stepgrandfather just sat in the pew in front of us, tears streaming down his face and his shoulders shuddering as he sobbed to himself, and I felt sorry that he was the way he was, because I knew his life was now going to be quite lonely.

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