08.13.04
Many moons ago, I used to get bikini waxes.
But I thought they were too expensive and I felt self-conscious about having someone with hot sticky substances around my nether bits.
So I used to use that Nads stuff at home, but I'd usually end up getting one side done, and then put off doing the other for a couple of days because it sucked so very much.
Because no one has had any occasion to witness the relative furriness of my nether bits, I haven't closely attended to their grooming for a while.
I keeps them clean, and that's about it. Sometimes I condition, but only when I've gotten too much out of the bottle and don't want to let it go to waste. It is hair, for criminy's sake. I don't want to have dried out, split ends on my privvies, thank you very much.
But then lately, Erin and I have been talking about getting spa'd in the near future, and both of us have been comparing leg hair and complaining that we need waxed.
Both of us are completely capable of waxing our own legs, but it is a messy, time-gobbling process that we would rather pay someone else to do.
She goes to Nail Bar in Evanston, and gave it praise, so I decided to give them a whirl. Then I noticed that there was one like 3 blocks from where I work.
So I made an appointment at the Lake View East location for a bikini and lower-leg wax.
My waxer was nice enough, but very hard to understand. She had a very thick Eastern European accent, and kept asking me if she vas hortink me.
If you aren't getting a brazilian wax, the practice is generally that you give yourself a wedgie and make with the pretzel legs, while trying to hold skin taut and keep panty fabric out of the way. It doesn't lessen the excruciating pain at all, but it does keep you confused enough that you don't cry out in pain.
"Hokay, you put your leg here and pull the skin like this *RIP*, no, put your hand here... the other hand, good *RIP*, now move your leg, no, roll it more, and flex *RIP* yes, like that."
It's like Twister, only it is less colorful, and a lot more painful. You do see spots though.
The leg waxing went a lot faster, and my skin was so puffy and lotioned up when she was done that it felt smoother than silk.
I appreciated how quickly and efficiently things went that I gave her a 25% tip, what with having to work down there and all, and left happily.
When I got home, I stripped down to pantilessness, and was dismayed to note that my pie was off-center. You really don't want to look into a mirror and see that you are all off-kilter. It's shocking in a weird, scary way.
Here is a poor representation of the problem.
Imagine that the dots represent the center line of my body. You can work it out from there.
And also, she left a patch of hair towards the back that was not balanced by an equal patch of hair on the coordinating side.
Then, once the swelling on my leg skin went away, I noticed that I was stubbly. She had not removed the hair properly, and had instead broken much of it off at skin level. Which is pretty much what shaving accomplishes.
So, the next day I feel like I somehow managed to shave a fairly-evenly distributed third of my leg hair off.
No big patches, just a uniform "here's a hair, there isn't" sort of thing.
And unfortunately, there really isn't anything that can be done complaint-wise. I can call and say that I am stubbly, but they most likely won't refund the service because it's mostly just fine.
So I had to even out the bikini line myself, and I'll have to shave my damned legs in about a week.
What a waste.
What's in your head?
