03.08.01
After this week's earlier brush with the rivers running red from my fertile crescent, I have been left wondering what I have done to incur God's wrath.
Sunday, as I was preparing to take a bath, I noticed some strange, scaley patches of skin on my abdomen and chest. Thinking that I needed to exfoliate and moisturize better, I gave them no further thought beyond scrubbing extra well in those areas with the old loofah. When done bathing, I noticed that the scaley patches were now angry-looking lesions, which made sense due to the intense scrubbing they received. I slathered on moisturizer and went about my business.
As I was preparing for bed, I noticed new scaley patches on my chest and did a thorough inspection of the rest of my body, noticing several more on my back and sides, and a great big one on my fanny. More moisturizing ensued.
The next morning, I found not only more scaley patches, but all of the previous day's patches had become scabrous red lesions of an icky demeanor. I pondered this for a minute or two, slathered on more lotion, and went to work. When I got home, I stripped down and inspected my body. My back and sides and chest had even more scaley/scabby/angry red splotches and lesions, which became of some concern, since they seemed to be randomly popping up all over my torso at an alarming rate.
Fearing some sort of hideous cootie infestation, I decided to consult WebMD, and came to the conclusion, after several hours of intensive web researching, that I was suffering from either syphillis or Pityriasis rosacea. Knowing that I'm a safety girl with a rather recent clean bill of health, I decided to operate on the assumption that I had the latter rather than the former.
Pityriasis rosacea is believed to be of a viral origin. The symptoms are lesions and scaley patches on the trunk of the body, originating midline and traveling downward in diagonal rows. Pityriasis rosacea is often known as "Christmas Tree rash" because of the pattern of the lesions on the back and chest. The patches, while unattractive, do not itch or cause any particular irritation beyond self-loathing and a host of other mental anguishes. There is usually one large patch, known as the 'mother' or 'herald' patch (mine was on my keister, which is why I didn't really notice it, not looking at my ass naked in the mirror often), followed by many tinier patches over the course of the next few weeks. Sufferers are generally devoid of symptoms after 6 weeks of hideousness, and there is no real treatment beyond the liberal application of moisturizer. UVB rays may help hasten healing, so tanning is often prescribed. Pityriasis rosacea is also not contagious, so I can't give it to anyone I might come into skin contact with. (whew!)
I had all of these symptoms, visited a doctor to confirm that my textbook symptoms were in fact not syphillitic in nature, but were instead Pityriasis rosacea, and then I went tanning. The doctor even said it was nice that I was so well educated on my malady, and that she had to do so little work beyond nodding and agreeing. At least I made someone's day.
I'm now waiting for the plague of locusts and dead birds falling from the sky.
