03.29.01
You know it's gotta be a slow day at the ol' news desk when the status of a bar's ability to vend liquor is the top headline* of the local rag, I mean newspaper.
Apparently, the Union Bar may lose its liquor license because of some sketchy misdeeds perpetrated upon the public. Most specifically, they served a drunk person and a minor some alcohol! Imagine, drunk people and minors drinking in a college town. The horror! Oh, and the obligatory flashing of the audience by a couple of girls participating in a bikini contest really got the authorities all riled up.
My favorite part of the entire article was where the owner of the local strip club, Dolls, pointed out that his dancers couldn't show nipple or genitalia, and that the Union Bar should be penalized for breaking the law. This amuses me greatly because, from what I understand**, several participants of the bikini contest are currently employed as 'talent' at Dolls. That's right, bikini-clad strippers were competing onstage with bikini-clad amateurs for valuable cash prizes.
Man, why didn't the Union think of this earlier?
*Other headlines were Sycamore Mall To Get 6-Screen Multiplex, Local Residents Relieved At Not Having To Drive All The Way Out To Evil Ridge Mall To See First-Run Movies Anymore and Olive Garden, Other Culinary Hotspots To Open Adjacent To, But Not Actually Inside, Evil Ridge Mall. Okay, that isn't exactly what the headlines were, but they were something close. The first article extolled the virtues of high-quality movies playing on the east side of town, and the second extolled the virtues of Red Lobster, The Olive Garden & Subway for opening near Evil Ridge Mall, thusly offering a wider selection of culinary repasse to the mighty mall shoppers. Hallelujah, Amen.
**I overheard a couple of girls at Soleil, waiting to tan, talking about how unfair it was that professionals with enhancements were winning all of the prizes at the bikini contests. I'm sure that the average valuable cash prize would have gone a long way towards keeping the average sorority girl in a state of blissful drunkeness for at least two days on the average spring break. Damn those wily strippers!
