04.22.01

Saturday night featured not one, but two of the least important award shows that celebrities actually show up for -- the Nickelodeon Awards and the Blockbuster Awards.

Highlights from the Nickelodeon Awards:

• *nsync getting slimed. I can never get enough of boy bands covered in viscous, chartreuse goo.

• Destiny's Child's outfits, sort of a BSA-Hooker look. That's right, sexualized Boy Scout uniforms and stiletto heels!

• Tom Cruise coming out to accept an award, spending a good two minutes shaking the hands of the kids in front of the stage, then graciously accepting the Role Model award. But wait! There's more! Rosie (O'Donnell you nuts -- she's the host, PLUS she loves Tommy more than anyone else in the whole wide world!) conned him into helping her slime an unsuspecting guest. As you can only expect, he slimed himself. Rosie jumped in on the action and ended up standing there and cackling while Tom Cruise proceeded to rub himself all over with the goo, making like an Herbal Essence Bodywash commercial. I know I was turned on.

Highlights from the Blockbuster Awards:

• Will Sasso (of Mad TV) offering *nsync a George Forman grill if they gave the longest acceptance speech.

• LL Cool J presenting an award. Dude, I love this guy. LL is one sexy bitch. And how can you not love a man that has appeared publicly at least three times, in three different places, sporting a bejewelled bandana on his noggin, each time a different color. That's so totally cool.

• The girls of Charlie's Angels accepting an award, because Cameron Diaz's hair is totally cute. I think I've found my future haircut, should I ever manage to get it past my shoulders. I wish I was rich like a starlet, so I too could pony up some fat cash for extensions.

• Tom Green throwing produce at the audience while presenting an award. I really don't care for Tom Green, and I think he's in serious need of psychiatric help, but anyone who can not only chuck a bag of produce into an audience at an award ceremony and get applause for doing so, but also gets to bang Drew Barrymore on a regular basis, that's a special man indeed.

Honestly, how many fucking awards shows are there? Almost every entertainment or celebrity-scooping magazine appears to have one, organizations who I don't really care about have them, music, television and movie-related groups have more than their fair share, too.

I wonder if at some point Christina Aguilera (or any perennial performer/award winner) has looked at an invitation to perform at some award show she's never heard of, or is notified that she's being nominated for some award she could care less about and says to herself, "The so-and-so awards? Jesus Christ, what the fuck is that?"

I know if I had an award show, say I was giving away little pixie statuettes to people that I liked or admired or wanted to get up on, I would totally ask Christina A., *nsync, and Destiny's Child to perform, because not only do they ALWAYS appear at award shows, but they'd draw a larger crowd to the Pixies®. And I'd probably ask Melissa Joan Hart and Alyson Hannigan to present, because they would get the WB-oriented viewership as well. Oh, and Lawrence Fishburne or Samuel L. Jackson, because they are cool-ass motherfuckers.

Yesterday & Tomorrow.