05-26-01

To my dearest readers, I was going to respond to these letters in the order in which they were received, but I felt this one needed a more immediate answer, so I will answer it now:

Dear Pixie,

I've got a couple of questions for you.  They all sorta fall together, so here goes nothing:

I was recently diagnosed as being bipolar.  Fun stuff, huh?  Well, my psychiatrist wants to put me on lithium.  Not sure if you know what the side effects are, but trembling of the hands, weight gain (10-50+ lbs.), and turning into an automated robot are pretty common.  Nasty.  Ick. 

So question 1) do I go on lithium or not?  I've heard that if you can stand the side effects, you're so out of your head that you don't even realize that you're fat and boring.  I suppose lack of suicidal tendancies would be nice for a change. 

Moving on... Got a call today from an ex fiance.  He is in the Army, getting ready to ship off to Kosovo this fall.  He is still in love with me; I love him but am not IN love with him.  He asked me to marry him again based on two reasons.  First being he loves me, second being it would nearly double his pay why he is abroad and it would also earn me about one thousand bucks a month in stipends, PLUS fantastic insurance.  This insurance would cover my psychiatry bills, medications, and any other such crap that I need like... well, were I to break my leg while in a lithium stupor or whatever.  I haven't seen my ex in over two years.  He is cool with it being a "contract" marriage in that we both know it won't really change anything between us.

So question 2) do I marry the ex knowing I will make money, but also knowing I'm marrying a guy that I don't really REALLY love in "that" way?  Keeping in mind, my current doctor bills are running over one grand a month between my therapy and medications.  That's PHAT cash that I don't have and my family is covering it, but it is putting a extreme pressure on the family finances.  I had considered dropping the counseling because of it.  With the marriage, that dinero would come straight from Uncle Sam, sans family guilt.

Oh, and you're trendy.  What's a good summer perfume?  I'm in the mood to change...

Dude.  I'm kinda like a whirling Dervish on crack, I'm...

--Super Roxy

Super Roxy,

Well, honestly, I don't know all that much about bipolar disorders, beyond what most of the populace would know. I myself suffer from clinical depression, which is for the most part unmedicated. I have, from time to time, sought professional help, and have used medication to alleviate some of my problems, but not all.

Prozac turned me into a zombie. I wasn't a depressed, suicidal zombie, but I lost all sense of pleasure, lost about 20 pounds, and didn't smile anymore. I decided I would rather have highs and lows than feel nothing at all.

Paxil gave me horrible anxiety attacks. The first time I had an anxiety attack I actually though I was having a heart attack, because I started shaking, sweating, my heart was racing, my head was pounding, my body hurt all over, I went into shock, and my sight narrowed into tunnel vision before going completely black. This kind of thing was frightening enough that combined with my body's physical addiction to the medication -- I was a complete junkie, if I missed a pill I would throw up until I took another one, suffering jitters and other horrible withdrawal symptoms -- I decided to wean myself off of it and go unmedicated.

While I don't know a lot about what you're going through, I can completely understand the fears of being medicated. I did some reading on WebMD about Lithium, and found this article, which I hope you might find helpful in your decision.

I can't tell you whether or not you should go on the medication, because that is for you and your doctor to decide. However, if I were in your situation, I would find out as much as I could about Lithium, and about alternative treatments for bipolar disorder. This shit sounds scary, and I don't know if I would want to take it if there were other options. Here is a list of side effects:

Common

Infrequent

Rare

That is a big list of things to contend with, but I know that most medications have scary shit associated with them. If you avoided everything that had potentially nasty side effects, you wouldn't get to do much of anything at all, medical or otherwise.

I'm on Zyban right now to quit smoking -- I picked up a nasty habit last fall that I kept in the closet until now -- and haven't had a cigarette or a craving for one in almost 6 weeks. In fact, the smell of cigarette smoke repels me. The flipside though is that I am at an increased risk for seizures, which can be greatly increased with drinking. Basically, no booze, no venues with booze or smoke because it's icky. I like booze and bars. I like not having seizures more though, I suppose.

If you want to know more about anything I've said here, I'd be happy to elaborate about whatever you need to know.

Okay, now about that relationship thing. Once again, I'm only giving my opinion about this thing, so you are completely free to ignore my advice.

I am generally cynical about love and relationships, and I believe part of that is because I very deeply hold the belief that marriage is sacrosanct. I very strongly believe that if you can't look at the person you are going to potentially marry and know that that person is the one you want to love forever, the one you want to grow old with, the one that is your soulmate, then perhaps you shouldn't marry that person.

Now, before people throw things at me, I should be quick to point out that this is my personal belief, and that I do not judge or condemn anyone who has been married and divorced, because that is a personal decision that people have to make for themselves, and I think that it is important that people are free to do what they need to do to be happy. My mother met her soulmate after her first marriage ended, but didn't marry him until after her second marriage ended. She knew him right away, but they just weren't ready, or in the right place at that time to commit to each other forever. They are now.

This is probably also the reason that I am going to end up a crazy old spinster living in a house with a thousand cats, that is going to die trapped under a toppled over pile of Martha Stewart Living magazines that I never had the heart to part with, my corpse eaten by hungry felines. I won't blame them though, because they were starving, and I was, after all, meat.

I also believe very strongly that you shouldn't have to settle. If you don't love love someone, then you are settling for the next, or the second, or third, or even fourth next best thing to real love.

I realize that you are in a difficult situation, and that this opportunity will not only help both of you out financially, but will also guarantee you can get help without being a burden to your family. However, if Uncle Sam is paying for it because of a bogus marriage, you're being a burden to the American tax payers.

I say, if you're going to burden us anyways, see if you can do it honestly, and find some sort of assistance program through your country, or state, or even some sort of federal program. I don't know how many people I know that aren't being helped for a variety of problems because they don't think they can afford it. I know that in my area, there is a community mental health center that will give you free (or incredibly inexpensive) mental health treatment, assistance with medication expenses, and access to other programs for which a person might qualify. All one has to do it call them. I did, and look at me today!

Our Constitution guarantees you the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If you can't enjoy any of these guarantees because you aren't physically or mentally able to, there is someone out there somewhere that can help you. If your mental illness prevents you from wanting to live your life, if your problems are preventing you from being free to choose who to love and marry and are forcing you to settle, and if everything is making you unhappy enough to ask me for advice, I'm going to give you all the help and support I can, but it's ultimately up to you to find your own happiness.

I believe that I would rather be sane, healthy and be dependent on welfare and charity to live my life, than to be untrue to myself, my family, and someone that I loved, by living a lie, even if everyone else was cool with it.

I hope I've helped you in some tiny way, and good luck with your decision, whatever it may be.

Let me know.

--pixie

P.S. I'm a big fan of "Happy" from Clinique. It's a nice, fresh and slightly sweet, citrusy floral that doesn't overwhelm. I also like "Ô de Lancôme" from Lancôme, which is a light, slightly tart, but fresh and green citrus that makes me feel nice. I'm sure the girls at your local Clinique counter can supply you with samples. I don't know about the Lancômistas, though. They're a secretive lot, vaguely icy, and not so generally forthcoming with the freebies, unless they know you.

Yesterday & Tomorrow.