05.27.01

The following is a list of things that will probably terminate your employment as a cosmetologist in a department store salon:

• Show up to work drunk, two hours before the store opens, expecting to be let in to the store.
• Pound on the glass window of said store so hard that the manager that answers the door actually fears that you might break it.
• Yell at said manager about how you have been waiting for fifteen minutes to be let in, and that you have an appointment arriving in five minutes.
• Near-incoherently scream obscenities as you stomp through the store, up the escalator, and into the salon, completely ignoring the fact that you aren't supposed to be there in the first place, appointment or no*.
• Call the office and swear at the person on the other end until someone comes over and opens your cash register for you because you can't figure out how to do it, despite the fact that you have successfully opened the register at least 20 times before, in the month that you have worked at the salon.
• Cut someone's hair while in this condition, most likely fuming and swearing the entire time.
• Not seem to care that not only is working drunk against store and salon policy, but it is also against state law, and can get your cosmetology license revoked.
• Fumble at the cash register for so long while you are trying to ring up your client, that the client feels compelled to flag down an associate from the lingerie department to come help you out.
• Spend the next fifteen minutes maniacally complaining to the poor associate from the lingerie department, that you have cornered behind the register as a captive audience, about how much you hate your job, how little you get paid, and how the other people you work with are such phony bitches.
• Try to foist retail products on said poor girl, telling her to take whatever she wants because she deserves something for listening to your problems, and then when she reminds you that the retail in the salon isn't your property to give away, and that if she took the nail polish offered that she would be engaging in employee theft and would be subject to job termination and legal prosecution, tell her that she's too uptight.
• After allowing her to escape your clutches so that she can help the people shopping in her department, wander out to her register while she's ringing up a customer, grab her hand and start painting her fingernail with the store's nail polish, which is merchandise and not a tester, and proceed to explain to her how nice the color compliments her skin tone, completely ignoring the horrified looks upon not only the associate's face, but also the customer's, who is mentally making a note to not only never get her hair done at the salon, but to probably share this incident with everyone that she knows, telling them to not ever set foot through the salon doors, because raving psychopaths lurk behind them.
• Wander back into the salon, fiddle around for a few minutes, and then call the associate whose fingernail you painted, explaining to her that you aren't busy and are unlikely to be at any point during the day, aren't in the mood to be in this hell-hole, that it is Memorial Day Weekend for Christ's sake, and that you are leaving, and then act surprised when she suggests that you relate these sentiments to someone in management, because she is only a lowly associate and in no position of authority in the great scheme of things at the store.
• Call management and tell them that you aren't busy and are unlikely to be at any point during the day, aren't in the mood to be in this hell-hole, that it is Memorial Day Weekend for Christ's sake, and that you are leaving, that you don't care what the salon manager thinks because she can go fuck herself, and that they can fire you for all you care, and then hang up.
• Leave the salon.
• Expect to return to work on Tuesday.

I love my job.

Yesterday & Tomorrow.

*This hypothetical store is cool with early appointments, as long as the proper arrangements have been made ahead of time with the management of the store, and the people working in the store that morning -- before the store is open -- are actually aware of said appointment(s)**.

**In this type of situation, however, the store is not cool with it, and the manager on duty right then and there is probably the type that is inclined to email not only an incident report to the store manager, the store human resources coordinator/assistant store manager, and the salon manager***, but to also call the salon manager and tell her what is going on.

***Also in this situation, the salon manager is probably the type of person that is inclined to call the only other person that works at the salon, to inform her of the shit storm that's brewing at work, and then spend the next fifteen or so minutes freaking out and having an anxiety attack. And then maybe call back fifteen minutes later to spend another fifteen minutes freaking out about it all over again, exacting a promise from the other person that because she lives 8 blocks from the store, the other person will go down there and see what is going on, and then start crying. And then call back a couple of hours later to find out what the other person has learned, and then say she has to go mow the lawn, and will see the other person Tuesday, and also to have a Happy Memorial Day.