06-02-00
This very day I was invited to a "36B Bra Party". Now, some of you out there may be wondering what the hell I am talking about, so let me elaborate. Dana is getting her exceptionally gigantic [that's right, not just gigantic, but exceptionally so!] mammary glands downsized a few cup-sizes in just about two weeks. In honor of the resultant lack of back pain and frequent trips to the chiropractor, Dana is celebrating her breast reduction with a new bra party. People are expected to bring her new bras to wear, because the old ones will now be too fucking ridiculously large. I, of course, know exactly what her favorite make and model of bra is, so I will be buying her one of those. This is the best scam yet for anything, as far as I'm concerned. When I shot up a cup size a few years ago, I was forced to go out and buy a whole new selection of bras, to the tune of several hundred dollars. She, on the other hand, is not only getting smaller boobs for free thanks to the insurance she has, but she is also getting free bras! I wish I would have come up with this idea when I had septoplasty.
My whole life, I had such a severely deviated septum that I was unable to breathe through my right nostril, could barely breathe through my left nostril, and had pretty much been resigned to being a life-long mouth breather. So, this winter I went under the knife to have this corrected. Since I was going to be on the table, and the bones in the bridge had to be broken, I asked if I could have the bump taken off and the bridge straightened. He said he sure could, but might have to 'reduce the tip to aesthetically compensate,' which was fine with me. Dr. Aly specializes in reconstructive surgery, so I trusted him completely. A couple of months after all the bandages and splints came off/out, and the swelling went away, and the feeling came back, I had occasion to see the side by side before and after shots. Now, I was patently aware that my nose had been drastically reconfigured, as it was now straight, slightly pert and not bumpy, and I could breathe through it, but somehow I was unaware of just how drastically is had changed. Someday I will scan and post the side by sides, and you all will have a cow, but suffice it to say that I lack probably a third of my former nose, and love my present one immensely.
The greatest problem I have discovered, though, which brings us back to the free bra scam, is that the glasses that I waited my whole life to find no longer fit right, or look as fetching on my face. Believe me, the weird shape my nose used to be was not conducive to the wearing of most glasses, and I spent 27+ years searching for the right pair. These lovelies lack true nose rests, and actually perched at the top of the bump that used to be the bridge of my nose. And something about the slightly rounded shape of bottom of the otherwise squared-off frames was very flattering. Now, with no fleshy protruberance to force them to stay put, they slide down the little ski slope that my nose has become, resting at the tip like reading glasses. No amount of doctoring of the ear rests can make them behave. And the formerly flattering frame shape is now out of scale with the rest of my face.
I should have had a glasses party. It's slightly more expensive than bras, but everyone could have chipped in to buy me a new pair. Imagine all the fun we could have had at the eye doctor's, trying on frames and making silly faces. Hmmm. I do have a birthday coming up...
