06/13/01
"Fun on ICQ" or "What I Really Do with the Rest of My Day"
by, me ('n tif)
pixiemartin: It's naked day!
tif: does this mean when the delivery man arrives I have to answer the door naked?
pixiemartin: No, you can put on something before opening the door.
You must scamper around all day in the buff, though.
tif: well, it's tempting, except I had to go to fucking HOFFMAN ESTATES today all in my gorilla suit
pixiemartin: I'm sure the Giant in the Bedroom listening to Moby would agree.
tif: actually he whines at me that since I work at home, I don't take a shower or get dressed, and I'm turning into a BIG NAKED BLOB
pixiemartin: tell him he can smooch my patootie.
(he really can't, because I'm not into that sort of thing, but I mean it in your defense.)
tif: I just told him. He says forlornly,"She's not into me smooching her patootie?"
pixiemartin: Why are all the men on hotornot such wankers?
Oh yeah, because they're on hotornot.
Sorry, Mr. Flachsbart (aka: the Giant in the bedroom listening to Moby). Not my cup of tea.
tif: they are all wankers except for this one guy who WAS TOTALLY LUSCIOUS. I think I have him saved somewhere.
have you seen amigothornot, those guys are worse
pixiemartin: http://www.hotornot.com/r/?emid=BSREG
Ew. This is the love I get.
tif: CLUE PHONE YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR FACE OR YOUR BODY
tif: I posted some stuff on amiallyourbaseornot.com but it got removed by the admin, I guess he was a big Dale Earnhart fan
pixiemartin: I haven't seen amigothornot yet. Mad FishDave sent me a url for a naked version of hotornot.
- Did you get to read the copy on the dude? IF not...
"Male half of an adventurous and open-minded couple. We are looking for a woman to join in our adventures. Come with us..."
tif: yeah, I read the text. how come he doesn't show the woman in the picture? I bet she is like 600 pounds
pixiemartin: I only respond to hot guys that have nice things to say about me.
tif: where is the naked hotornot?
pixiemartin: Lemme find the url. http://www.likemynudephoto.com
tif: well if you can't be choosy online where can ya be? okay. In the meanwhile I give you another URL. http://www.furcen.org/~zetatoys/animalp.html
tif: oh dear god
pixiemartin: does this person research the animal penii, or just guestimate?
tif: according to the text, it works from photos of real life, what kills me is that the orca penis is real size, but they scaled down the equine. Why?
pixiemartin: how does one "observe and study" an orca penis, exactly?
tif: I imagine you could send email and ask. Maybe they go to the orca tank and sit there for hours.
pixiemartin: Do they hold up orca porn to the side of the tank, or make suggestive hand gestures to excite the orcas into a state of arousedness that can be studied and observed?
tif: maybe orcas are horny bastards? wil (see: Mr. Flachsbart, above) says that the orca penis doesn't look like fun.
pixiemartin: Okay, yes, the size of the equine dong is inaccurate, as they say, but I still think it's gigantic.
tif: The thing that bothered me was that only the dolphin has the animal attached to the penis. I mean, why not an inflatable kangaroo?
pixiemartin: I think the inflatable kangaroo would sell well. lotsa pervy aussies.
pixiemartin: We used to go to this petting zoo in Oregon that had a gorilla in a cage. I've since forgotten the animal's name, it might have been Sam-bo, but he would get a hard-on for twinkies. The trainer used to give them as treats, and it got to the point that if he so much heard the rustle of cellophane, he'd get all tent-pitchy.
tif: That sounds like a traumatizing experience. Either that or you'll never go for a standard human male again
pixiemartin: Yeah, I didn't really look at it. Scary clothed people are enough for me.
pixiemartin: I just have some sort of mental image of him standing there at full mast, gripping onto the bars of his cage, making desperate "gimme, gimme!" hand gestures.
tif: You can't give a twinkie to an orca, though
pixiemartin: I'll bet you could. I just don't think it would be a good idea. Give twinkies to orca, that is.
tif: okay, this nude site is really frightening
tif: well, some of them are okay, and some of them are like, just a HUGE PICTURE OF ONLY LABIA AND NOTHING ELSE
pixiemartin: Doesn't labia make you moist? What kind of a woman are you, Erin?
tif: labia only makes me moist if it is, like, attached to something breathing
pixiemartin: I suppose that's fair.
The lion penis looks like a very long butt plug. Like something maybe Larry "The Bear" would employ. (I once heard Larry say, "You haven't lived, until you've felt someone's renal artery pulsing against your wrist." From the inside. Fisting, you know.)
tif: Oh god I forgot all about Larry the Bear. I feel so old lately.
pixiemartin: DO you think it's alzheimer's?
pixiemartin: Dude, I got called Ma'am again. I'm not a ma'am.
tif: My friend matt gets called ma'am because he has 783947832 earrings
tif: If I call it Alzheimer's does that mean I get the good drugs?
pixiemartin: I'll believe it. I used to get called "sir" for having short hair.
tif: yeah, xep got called sir until she got dreads some of them look way too pointy to be of any use
pixiemartin: The kangaroo penis faintly resembles the orca/dolphin ones. Except all strangely curvy.
pixiemartin: You'd perforate something. Something very bad would happen.
tif: Maybe they're just for, you know, anal furry rape.
pixiemartin: I s'pose. I love this quote,
"It is the closest to a natural Bear penis that has ever been produced."
because I am sure that there is a such gigantic market just full of people making low-quality bear cocks.
tif: Well, maybe she got a real bear to sit for it, like Cynthia PlasterCaster
pixiemartin: Here, have a seat Mr. Smokey. This won't hurt a bit!
tif: See, now I have a very vivid image, with the ranger hat and a shovel and everything.
pixiemartin: I'm still trying to get the idea of a large factory in Korea, mass-producing out less-than-stellar bear dildos, with some overseer up in his office talking on the phone to his boss,
(Bad Korean accent) "It make no difference if bear cock not real like bear cock. These for stupid American. They buy anything as long as it cheap."
tif: Dildos with the plastic seam still along the side. I was wondering too how they can afford to make these, they must cost a LOT.
pixiemartin:
(Bad Korean accent) "No, bear penis real sharp lines down sides. That why female bear walk funny like that."
tif: ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow
pixiemartin: I have deduced that the dolphin rider, or whatever it is called, is a legitimate water toy shaped like a dolphin to which they have nefariously attached dolphin wang -- I've seen alligators inflatable toys, too.
tif 6/13/01 7:25 PM they didn't attach alligator dildo to the alligator?
pixiemartin: You know, I didn't scope out the undersides of the Alligator Floaters at whatever pool store that way, but I guess I should have.
Perhaps Tigger hasn't gotten to know the way of gator wang.
tif: You can't talk about Tigger that way, I'm going to Disneyworld next thursday
pixiemartin: No, if you read the site, "Tigger" is one of the artisans.
tif: I know, yeah.
I did brief consulting at this place vetcentric.com and they had vets on staff, I forwarded my friend Scott there the url and he sent it on to all the vets. I'm waiting to see how many photos they come up with.
pixiemartin: Disneyworld again?
tif: Again? I haven't been there since... our HONEYMOON
pixiemartin: I've still never been there.
I'm zipping through the rest of ZetaCreations, and I see that they have "bear transformation" coffee mugs. And all I can imagine is that when you pour the coffee into the mug, and the heat does its thing, the bear gets a hard-on.
tif: At least it isn't Smokey. They might get arrested by the Feds.
I am worried about going in the summer, I will have to wear nine pounds of suntan lotion.
pixiemartin:
"Here is one I designed for all those out there (including myself) who would like to be able to take a knot but are a bit on the tight side."
A butt plug is what this person is talking about, but note the "like to be able to take a knot" part. Could s/he possibly be talking about taking chow-chow cock up his/her keister?
tif: delivery man is here! oh it's a delivery lady, she heard your comment about labia.
pixiemartin:
"Dildos: Gator - (coming August) will be $50"
Gator is coming in August! I wonder if it'll be the inflata-gator love machine!
- tif: mmmmmmmm gator I will look forward to THAT OH BABY
- i go eat now. talk to you soon again i hope
- *smooch*
pixiemartin: bye.
(you can read the unexpurgated, non-reader's digesty version here)
