06-15-00
My new obsession is having a dark tropical tan. It's all Britney Spears' fault, really. I was surfing and got trapped on The Box where I witnessed the video for "Oops, I did it again!" In this video, Britney has a fabulous tan, and is wearing this ethereal white eyeshadow and glossy pink lipgloss that just is magical. I would wear that kind of thing except that I have no melanin anywhere in my body, so it isn't quite so strikingly a contrast. I believe it would actually serve to make me look pastier than I already do. Plus, all the girls at the gym, and around outside and everywhere have Hawaiian Tropic tans. I am covetous. I know that being porcelain and milky fair is far healthier, and in 20 years I'm not going to look like a Coach handbag, but you can't see any sort of muscular definition on me. I'm fishbelly white.
When I was a kid, people used to tease me about being albino. My hair was bleach blond and my skin was the same color it is now. I got called things like Moby Dick [even though I wasn't anything remotely whale-like] and Casper. People couldn't believe my mother would let me bleach my hair - which I didn't do. It just was that light. As I have gotten older my hair has gotten gradually darker, so that now it is a light ashy blond. I suppose that if I ever spent any time outside that it would bleach back out. My skin would turn flaming pink and all peel off, though. And I'm not down with that.
I believe we should return to an era of Victorian skin preservation. It used to be that if you had a tan, you were either poor or a field working sharecropper, because delicate, genteel ladies didn't ever set foot outside without a parasol to protect their delicate bodies from the harsh rays of the sun. Thora Birch and Christina Ricci would agree with me, although I still have to admit that I think Britney's makeup in that video is cool, and probably only looks cool because she's a bronzed bubblegum goddess.
Viva Clan Pasty!
