ring me up

...i'm stymied

07.31.05

I need a new ringtone.

The Theme to Law & Order, while entertaining, just isn't doing it for me anymore.

During the colder seasons, I use Dance of the Sugar Plum Faeries.

And I just developed the ability to have non-polyphonic ringtones on my phone, thanks to new Get It Now technology. Or maybe not new technology so much as a new potential source of income.

I have a list of songs that I can download, but I can't decide which one to get.

1. C'mon C'mon - Von Bondies
2. Beverly Hills - Weezer
3. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - Wham!
4. Should I Stay or Should I Go? - The Clash
5. I Wanna Be Sedated - Ramones
6. Kiss Off - Violent Femmes
7. Blue Monday - New Order
8. Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order
9. Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie
10. (Even) More Human than Human - X-Ecutioners (f. Rob Zombie)
11. Eden - Hooverphonic
12. Strangelove - Depeche Mode
13. Suicide Blonde - INXS
14. No Phone - Cake
15. Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen
16. Sunrise - Duran Duran
17. This Fire - Franz Ferdinand
18. What Are You Waiting For? - Gwen Stefani
19. Toxic - Britney Spears
20. Cosmic Thing - B-52s
21. Theme to From Russia with Love - John Barry
22. Theme to Goldfinger - John Barry
23. Theme to Pink Panther - Henry Mancini
24. Theme to Doctor No - Hugo Montenegro & His Orchestra
25. Theme to Bewitched
26. Theme to Thunderball
27. Tubular Bells (Theme to The Exorcist)
28. Theme to The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - Hugo Montenegro & His Orchestra

Current front runners are 9, 14, 19, 28.

What do you think?

karma comeuppance

...a little too little, a little too late

07.29.05

I have certain regrets in my life.

Chief among them right now is that I didn't read through every document in a certain person's file when I started working where I do, because it would have given me much better insight on how to deal with said person.

Because had I read through the file, I would have found the documentation that this person had been previously given a formal reprimand for 1) doing the exact same thing with which she got me in trouble with Corporate, and 2) something that she constantly complained about other people doing. Or not doing. Something we'll call Y.

So I would have been prepared when, a few weeks after I started working there, I received the 2-page nastygram from this person all about how she was the only one doing Y, and that certain coworkers weren't doing Y like they were supposed to, and why was she the one having to do all the Y, when she was the busiest person working there and shouldn't have to do all the Y by herself?

Not knowing what was going on, I told her that I'd look into the Y situation, and that I was sorry she was having issues.

Amazingly, now that she's left our Place of Business, Y is like 50 times better. We have so much less Y to deal with, that we're almost bored with not having so much Y to occupy our free time like we used to have when she was around.

So it wasn't so much that other people weren't doing Y. It was just that she generated so much anti-Y all by herself that other people could only deal with so much of it before leaving a bunch of Y for her to take care of on her own. Or that they were so busy dealing with the anti-Y, that they didn't have time to deal with the general everyday Y that happens in an environment like ours.

God forbid that someone would actually have to deal with some of their own Y every once in a while.

If I had previously read the reprimand in her file, I would have simply replied* to her query, "Karma."

And left it at that.

Instead, I am forced to gloat, after the fact.

"Hello, Pot? This is the Kettle calling, and we have some color that we need talk about."
----------
*Although I'm sure that I would have been thinking something more along the lines of, "Karma, you hypocrite. Karma can be almost as much of a bitch as you are most of the time. Now, stop acting like a total twat, and go get your whiny ass back to work."

the spotless mind

...eternal sunshine unnecessary

07.28.05

When I was home for Christmas, my sister assured me that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was a really really good movie. In fact, it was her favorite.

And I didn't want to watch it, because I can't stand Jim Carrey.

I really, really, really despise Jim Carrey. I just do. No rational explanation, except perhaps Batman Forever as an extreme example. Or Dumb & Dumber. Or The Mask.

Maybe I just don't care for his choice of film or acting style. Who knows for sure? I don't hate him because I don't know him, and he has never done anything personal to me to inspire hatred. He just inspires near-pathological dislike.

And I found myself watching it one Sunday afternoon, nothing better to do, not really minding Jim Carrey all that much. Maybe it's that when he's acting human that he isn't so bad.

The idea is that someone so important in your life is so hurtful that you can't live with any instance of their existence in your life. So, you cut this person out, getting rid of everything that reminds you of that person, having every moment of the person's involvement in your life physically erased from your memory, and everyone in your life notified of your decision, asked to never mention the person again.

So completely that you could meet that person again with zero recognition of the former importance that this person occupied in your life.

And it occurred to me that I've never had a person in my life that was that important to me. Impotant enough to be able to cause me enough pain and heartache that the slightest memory would be excruciating enough to want me to erase them all? Not a one.

I'm sure I've had my heart broken. Buy I'm also sure that it only stayed that way for a little while, if it was even more than just a little cracked at all in the first place.

I've probably broken at least one heart. And I've probably dented, dinged, scratched, pummeled, and/or maligned more hearts than I can possibly imagine. I don't know for sure.

When people don't make enough of an impression on you to matter all that much in the greater scheme of things, it's hard to imagine that you yourself made that much of an impression upon them, either. It's easy for me to completely forget people. I apparently do it all the time.

And to be honest, I'm sure I've intentionally and unintentionally self-erased a great deal through the act of mere forgetfulness, but since I've forgotten, I really can't say for sure.

I've probably modified a few more than that, tweaking the icky bits. But since I remember them however I remember them, I also really can't say for sure.

I've wanted to forget specific instances, sure, but never an entire set.

It really was a very good movie, but I certainly can't relate on the same level that a lot of people do. I can be empathetic to their plight, but I haven't myself experienced it. I could say that I wish I had, because it might make me a better person somehow, but I can't really.

Maybe I don't have much of a heart at all to be broken in the first, second, or any place.

Or maybe it's made of cast-iron, or a similar substance.

I can say for sure that it's definitely bound to be more than a little rusty.

swift-speaking mexican newscasters

...are too hard for me to understand

07.28.05

I was channel surfing earlier. And as I was going past one of the spanish-speaking channels, I was forced to stop for a moment.

The screen was filled with masses of squirming, muddy toads or frogs -- I couldn't understand what the narrator of the news story was saying, so I'm not sure. I was guessing that some sort of mass spawning, or plague, or rain of amphibians had ocurred in some portion of Mexico or Central America, but I couldn't tell where, or even if that was the case.

I was just witnessing rather dark-skinned people poking gobs and gobs of muddy, web-footed critters with poles, all while looking disgusted and irritated by the sight.

And all I could find online was information about noisy alien Caribbean coqui frogs pissing people off all over Oahu, and poisonous cane toads running rampant all over Queensland and nearby areas, like New South Wales, on up into much of the Northern Territory.

But no news about the contents of that particular news report.

Maybe it was really just a story about Aborigines and problematic cane toads, or native Hawaiians and problematic coqui frogs, as these groups are all either rather dark-skinned or amphibian in nature.

Fuck if I know, it just looked terribly interesting, and perhaps especially so because I couldn't understand any of it.

july summary

...i'm tired of the ups and downs

07.26.05

July has seriously been a month of ups and downs, alternating swiftly between the rockingest rocking, and the suckiest suckiness.

Yes, I had a birthday wherein I had an extremely enjoyable and all around nice day, and I got cool birthday presents and well-wishes.

But then yesterday, I not only discovered my first really concentrated patch of gray hair growing on my noggin (left temple), but I also discovered that I am going to be blessed with spider veins on the back of my left calf at some point in the pretty near future. If you pull the skin taut, you can totally see them.

For some insane reason, my car insurance rates went down almost 24%, which is great.

Corporate recently radically changed the qualifications you have to meet to make salon goals making them much much higher and far more difficult to achieve, so I will probably never earn another bonus for the rest of my life with this company.

I've narrowly avoided about 20 potential auto accidents, but I've also had 20 near-heart attacks and anxiety attacks in the process. If two lanes turn right, and you are in the inside lane, do not drive straight ahead instead of turning, when the car on in the outside lane to your left is turning right, because it can lead to pile ups and insurance claims. Or at least lots of swearing and hand gestures, and not so much "road rage" as "road extreme irritability."

I hate the imaginary secret $5 with validation parking ramp across the street from the Holiday Inn at the Merchandise Mart because regardless of how much effort I put into finding it, I still can't. And I have to take more classes there in the near future, so I am forced to ride the train there and back.

My breadwinner is leaving at the end of the week. Which also means fewer ear-piercing shrieks and migraine-inducing cackles that you can hear clear across the store.

The weather is sunny and hot. Which makes me all sweaty. Which gives me bacne. Which embarasses me and makes me not want to wear tank tops. Which makes me too hot. Ad nauseum.

The hot weather is making me run the air conditioning 24/7, which is making my electrical bill 2-3 times what it normally costs.

I sold a bunch of stuff on eBay, but consistently underestimated the cost of postage and ate into a large portion of my profits, which were still profits, regardless of size.

Corporate renegotiated the terms of our benefits package, so I now can either pay the same amount for suckier insurance, or I can pony up more money and get the same level of insurance, except at slightly higher prices. ER visits? $125, up from $100. Prescriptions (3 month supply) $25/$50/$100 up from $20/$40/$80. Etc.

I did get a letter that said this, though, "Congratulations! You have just qualified for Nellie Mae’s 2% ' EDvantage program' by making 48 on-time payments on your eligible Stafford loans. This program is Nellie Mae’s way of saying "thank you" for being a great customer and for maintaining a good payment record."

I had to waste an entire Sunday working at a Corporately-sponsored American Crew education demo, and then had to deal with a bunch of irritating hoohah associated with the leftover products from the class, but I did discover the joy of strawberries with brown sugar and sour creme, and I also got new clippers and a t-shirt as a prize, oh, and much free candy, chips and soda.

I got formally reprimanded at work for being unprofessional in an interaction with a client, and am now forced to clean-up my act and be more professional. IE: I need to stop using words and phrases like 'pimping,'' and 'junk in my hair' and have to start using words like 'promoting' and 'pomade.' I have to stop referring to people as "dude." I can't make jokes or tease anyone about anything. I can only discuss important things with other members of management and have to keep my opinions about everything to myself. Basically, I have to alter my personality and mannerisms to keep my source of employment.

I hated the ending of Tuck Everlasting, and the latest Harry Potter made me cry at least twice.

And the new IKEA catalogue just arrived.

crabs!

...and i'm even a cancer

07.25.05

I get periodic emails from the Chicago Tourism Board. I signed up at some point a few years ago before I moved here, and now it's my source for what's happening in this fair city.

Like, I know which weekend to expect cheap-ass car alarms going off in my neighborhood for two days straight: The Chicago Airshow, August 20 & 21. Jets will be zooming along the lake past my place of work, up past my apartment, turn around, zoom back down the lake again past my apartment, again past my place of work, turn around and repeat ad nauseum.

I will be mumbling a blue streak under my breath for two whole days, because saying the sort of things I will be thinking isn't considered ladylike, or professional. I'm sure I will at some point come up with a colorful description of a place where they can all collectively (or sequentially, I'm not that picky) stick their sonic booms, and I'm imagining that the sun doesn't shine there, either.

So, imagine my amusement at getting an email featuring "CRABS!" as one of it's offered attractions.


Apparently Shedd Aquarium is celebrating its 75th anniversary this year, and is encouraging everyone, via their website, to:

"Join in the celebration and rub claws with the residents of a new, one of a kind exhibit, CRABS!

"CRABS! Nobody builds 'em better than Mother Nature.

"Combine the mobility of a tank, the adaptability of a Swiss Army knife, and the heartiness of a hard hat. What do you get? That contraption of a crustacean, the crab. These new aquarium residents come by sea, by land, by lake, and by stream to make their home in a new special exhibit here at Shedd.

"The crab’s planet-wide proliferation comes from its perfect pattern. Your mind will boggle by seeing how they are like super cool “robots.” CRABS! is one of the largest collections of its kind in the U.S. With 19 body segments, eyestalks like periscopes, a removable and renewable carapace, and the ability to regenerate lost legs, you won't want to miss learning about these unique creatures before they are scheduled to leave on January 8, 2006."

I mean, that's really not what pops into my mind when I see an exclamatory title featuring the name of a species of crustaceans that is also a slang term for certain genital cooties. I was half expecting spam about some new treatment that is infinitely cheaper when purchased from an overseas or Canadian pharmacy, without a prescription or anything.

I might have to go check this bitch out. It had better be more exciting than the shark exhibit they have, because that thing was overhyped and extremely weak, even if it did have cool coffee mugs for sale in the gift shop.

Ooh, maybe I could get a "CRABS!" coffee mug or something.

And speaking of crustaceans, I just really enjoy watching "Deadliest Catch," a show on the Discovery Channel about crab fishermen in Alaska. They're fucking nuts, and all of you King Crab eaters should be a hell of a lot more appreciative of what you're eating, after what I've seen these men do to sate your palates.

Me, I'm allergic to the damned things, and after seeing them dead on the beaches of coastal Oregon, and smelling the stench of rotting crab flesh, I really don't have any interest in their consumption.

Because, 1) I like breathing, and anaphylactic shock isn't all it's cracked up to be, funwise, 2) ew, negative mental association as mentioned above, 3) I don't eat sea bugs, because they're still bugs, even if they're from the bottom of the ocean, and 4) I don't want to eat anything you either boil alive, or tear the shell off, dip in an egg wash and then dredge through spiced flour, it's tiny soft claws clenching at the air and little legs flailing about, before being tossed into a hot frying pan. That's just nasty.

mysteries explained.

...well, no wonder

07.24.05

Yesterday, I called my family to tell my mom the results of something else I had discussed with her last week, and no one answered the phone, nor did anyone call me back today in regard to the message I left telling them to call me back.

And this totally explains that:

"Hi Kristen,
We are in Watertown, SD. Should be in Canada tonight.
How was your vacation? How are Willybean and Tifling?
Love ya,
Dad

"P.S. Everyone else says hello, too."

I forgot that my family takes vacations to places that I've never been, now that I don't live with them, nor have the ability to skip down during holiday seasons, or in excess of 2 weeks at a time.

Like how they've gone to Florida on more than one occasion, and to Disney World and to other neat places I've never visited whilst visiting the state.

Or the time they went to the Czech Republic to visit Stinkerbell whilst she was studying abroad.

I've never even left the States (as an aware person -- being 2 and visiting Mexico doesn't count, because you don't need a passport, and you don't remember jack from back then), much less been south of Florence, KY.

I've just been to Colorado a zillion times, for weeks on end. And it's not that it isn't a cool place, it's just the same place, over and over. Plus, the Ouray pool chlorinates their hot springs, so that sucks the joy out of them, and the only other hot springs in the area is clothing optional. Ew.

I've certainly never tooled around Canada for a couple of weeks in a Corolla with my family.

But, on second thought, that much time in an economy-sized sedan with my sister and parents might not be such a fiesta of entertainment.

And I am visiting the Twin Cities in a couple of weeks, to celebrate the nuptials of a former roommate, Spristy.

She's the one I visited in Seattle, the one that says wise and wonderful things, the one that breakfasts with me at Randycon, and the one that made another stingy roommate turn on the a/c when she asked me if I had any bunny stickers. (I think I've told that story, but I'll tell it again if I haven't.)

And the one with whom I would have visited Vancouver, BC, when I visited her in Seattle, if we'd only had more time.

not even close

...and yet i still respond

07.22.05

So, to explain, I have an account on friendster.

Dana got me to sign up a very long time ago, when it was first starting up, and I periodically receive messages on it from strangers and friends.

Some of them are very cool. That's where I met Rockstar Daniel, even.

I do have a profile, and it says I'm not looking for a lovematch. It also makes me sound like a quirky, high-maintenance, bitchy geek. But this sort of message from a stranger is new to me...

I suppose I'm a bit on the old side for you, but that shouldn't stop us from going to hear music or going dancing, or bowling, or sailing, or skiing, or drinking, or to dinner or the opera, or to shoot pool, etc., etc.

Going out to dinner is probably the only thing on that list I'd enjoy doing. Well, okay, shooting pool might be okay, but I don't know about shooting pool with you.

Im a very fit, athletic, youthful 41 (base 12). I look 39, feel like 35, and act (sometimes) like 22. Im a successful author and entrepreneur. Calculus for Dummies and Everyday Math for Everyday Life are two of my titles. If you write back, Ill send you my web site where you can read more about my business.

Hmmm. I'm a very immature, slightly out-of-shape, obnoxious 33. I look 25, feel like 30, and (often) act like 15. I'm a salon manager and a cosmetologist. I write on a blog for fun. I am not writing back, but I really can't imagine why you'd think that I'd care about reading more about your business, although for some lady out there, I am sure that's an enticing inducement to check you out.

Im a graduate of Brown University (B.A Philosophy) and the University of Wisconsin Law School. Practiced law for four years. Now I do math. I love math and science an perhaps have roughly a 13% to 19% geek component (I play blindfold chess). I love to jitterbug to oldies and sort of ballroom/swing dance to old standards. Im not a bad dancer. Oh, what the hell..to tell you the truth, Im damn good.

I'm a graduate of the University of Iowa (BA in Studio Art) and La'James College of Hairstyling. Practiced the cosmetological arts for 11+ years. I still do hair.

And I'm sorry, if you say that you "love math and science" to a complete stranger, and you play blindfold chess, your geek component is a hell of a lot higher than 13% - 19%. Probably closer to 85% - 95%. And I'm imagining that blindfold chess is inordinately boring to spectate. Sloppy Twister even sounds more enticing.

I took a ballroom dancing class in high school, and I was forced to waltz and polka in gym class, but I wouldn't call myself a good dancer, which is fortunate as I don't particularly like to dance. The only Jitterbug I dig is the Cafe in Seattle.

I want to shake up my stale social life push the envelope. Im adventurous, curious about everything, love to explore, but need someone to join me. My friends are all married. I love all kinds of music (Some favorites: Lucinda Williams, Getz/Gilberto, Tom Waits, Willie Nelson, Jonnie Cash, Patsy Cline, Janis Joplin, Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, the Beatles, Beethoven, Bach, Puccini, Celtic music). We could go to Fitzgeralds, the House of Blues, Ravinia, or some lesser-known venues.

I quite enjoy not really having a social life. It give me more time to watch television and sleep. Some of my friends are married, and some of them aren't, but a 40+ year old bachelor probably has something wrong with him that keeps him not married. Especially if he's inclined to troll for lovemates on Friendster. I like lots of music, and I tolerate Tom Waits, Johnny Cash, some classical, and most Celtic music, but I really have no interest in visiting any of those venues with you. Unless there's something good playing at House of Blues, like Duran Duran. I do have a couple of sweet tickets to see nin at the All-State Arena in October, but I don't think I'd invite you, or that you'd particularly enjoy the show if I did.

Im liberal, conservative, serious, religious (sort of, but not in the traditional/church-going sense), passionate about music and the aesthetics in art, nature, and everyday life, quirky, earnest, irreverent, rebellious, considerate, different, academic, happy, confident, shy, idealistic, easily excited, contemplative. I love bawdy rugby songs (played rugby at Brown) and still, melancholy, overcast day in autumn. My motto: Do it to him before he does it to you. Hate political correctness Love smart, slender/fit, kind, happy, spunky, spirited, feminine, tough women.

Ooh, I get it. You are complicated and multidimensional. I am also some of those things, but not as much as you apparently are. I'm liberal, spiritual, enjoy music and art, like nature as an abstract construct viewed through a window or from underneath a shady tree on a breezy summer day, could care less about everyday life, am quirky, immature, irreverent, rude, nurturing, unprofessional, likely to bear grudges, compassionate, destined for crazy old cat ladyhood, pedestrian, trite and cliche, self-possessed, easily irritated, and prone to crying. I have no interest in rugby or associated music, and I don't really like melancholy weather, regardless of the time of year. My motto: Do what thou wilt, an' it harm none. I believe in being polite and considerate, but I hate to be forced into what society expects. Love hot, lanky, fit, tall men who can hoist me over their shoulders like a sack of potatoes. Intelligence and a sense of humor are mandatory, but so are ambition and drive beyond that of a drive-thru cashier.

Your interests:...surprise me. Im game for anything. Im tired of the same old shit.

My interests:...not you. And I have to admit that I am a huge fan of the apostrophe, especially when it separates an I and an m.

And, as an aside, completely unrelated to the above missive of dorkiness, I find myself vastly entertained by someone else that wrote me on Friendster. He's an Irish, career-Firefighter for the city of Chicago. Not even Irish-American, but actually from Ireland. The only thing that ruins the stereotype, is that he lives on the northside in an apartment, instead of a house on the southside near a train.

oh so wrong

...in oh so many ways

07.20.05

So, I got this email, from the Nail Bar.

In case you're saying to yourself, "Hey, that name sounds strangely familiar!" I will remind you that the Nail Bar on Broadway, in Lakeview East, is where I became the recipient of the worst bikini wax ever that didn't involve skin-loss or 3rd degree burns, resulting in off-kilter pie.

And to add insult to injury, they periodically send me emails about special events and crap.

About which I do not really care in the least.

"Hey, trendsetter! You’re invited!

"What: OPI/Nail Bar product launch

"When: Wednesday, August 3, 2005, 9AM-9PM

"Where: All four Nail Bar salon locations

"Nail Bar Selected by OPI to Launch Fall Chicago Collection
"CHICAGO—True to its trend-setting and cutting-edge image (pun intended), Nail Bar has been selected by OPI to launch its new line of products.

"OPI is launching a new Chicago collection for the fall season and has selected Nail Bar to be the first salon in the country to carry these products. The new colors feature such Chicago-specific names as The Grape Lakes, Windy City Pretty and Mrs. O’Leary’s BBQ. The event, sponsored by OPI, will be held Wednesday, August 3 at all four Nail Bar salons from 9 AM to 9 PM.

"During the daylong celebration, each salon will feature an OPI educator to answer all your questions pertaining to the grooming of your hands and feet. At the same time, the OPI educator and a Nail Bar technician will be offering $10 mini manicures with all proceeds going to Bear Necessities, a local pediatric cancer foundation. There will also be a raffle for a $100 gift basket as well as other giveaways.

"Be sure and mark the date on your calendar! Come to your local Nail Bar salon for this exclusive fashion event. Be the first in the United States to sport the new line of OPI colors, named after our fair city. This will be a fun day to learn, contribute to charity, pamper yourself and even have a chance to win free goodies. Just think how you can brag to your friends in other cities about your gorgeous new nail colors before they even have a chance to see them! Second city? Not if Nail Bar is involved!"

What I find particularly amazing, is that OPI is releasing their Chicago line in every single Regis, Ulta, Trade Secret, JC Penney Styling Salon, and at Many Other Fine Chain Store/Salons nationwide, on August 3rd. And I'm imagining that the Saks Inc.-owned salons, like Carson Pirie Scott & Younkers, that also carry OPI will most likely be selling the products that day, too. I can't vouch for the small local places, because I've never dealt with OPI on that level of business, but they might also have it ready to go on August 3rd.

Because August 3rd is the INTERNATIONAL release date for the Chicago Collection.

Which means that at the locations of these salons that have nail technicians, you could theoretically get your nails done with any of the colors from this collection. And any of them that open before 9am central, like say on the East Coast, or just at any early-opening places, would theoretically be launching the color line before Nail Bar is.

Granted, there won't be an OPI educator at any of the other salons for the product launch, nor special mini manicures and all of the other clap-trap that Nail Bar is hawking, but it would still mean that the claim, "Just think how you can brag to your friends in other cities about your gorgeous new nail colors before they even have a chance to see them!" is grossly exaggerated and factually inaccurate.

I did email Nail Bar back about it, telling them that they were inadvertently lying to the public, but they haven't gotten back to me, yet.

And as an aside, I could probably go down to any professional beauty supply company, like say, Victory Beauty Systems, at 8:30am when the store opens, buy up the line, and hightail it back to my salon to give out manicures in The Grape Lakes, or Windy City Pretty, before Nail Bar even opens its doors for the day, if the cosmos were agreeably in appropriate alignment and such.

Of course, my hypothetical salon would have to be set up already to do a manicure before I get there, with client waiting patiently, and then be pretty close to Victory, to make it back in time to beat the 9am Nail Bar launch.

It'd be cutting it damned close, but it could most likely be done.

Or, if say, I decided to come into work early, because someone is always there at 7am, I could just paint my nails with some of the polish from one of the displays that would have already been set up in the store the night before, after closing time of course, and could sport "gorgeous new nail colors" before Nail Bar opened it's doors, and any of their customers had a chance to see them!

And if someone from a Georgia or New York salon location did it too, even better. Because they'd actually be in other cities, thus DOUBLY proving the Nail Bar's advertising to be a pack of lies.

Of course, I fully intend to still be at home before 9am on Wednesday, August 3rd, probably eating breakfast, but still.

It could happen, which is all that really matters.

chomp chomp chomp.

...i love shark week

07.19.05

I love Shark Week.

And yes, I know I just said that.

And I know that I have been quoted in the past as saying that I was disappointed by Shark Week because all they talked about was sharks. Not shark attacks, or anything super cool. Just, "This is a Great White shark. It lives in these places. It eats these things. It sometimes bites people. This is a Whale shark. It lives in these places. It eats plankton, and is harmless to people. Shark data, shark data, shark data ad nauseum."

The "Summer of the Shark," in 2001, was a time of great literary achievement in the area of entertaining Kristen with morbid accounts of sharks picking people off, or people narrowly escaping their demise, shark anecdotes, shark information, and the like.

But now, Shark Week seems to largely revolve around human interactions with sharks. Note the show I am watching now, Shark Attack: Predator in the Panhandle.

And the non-human interaction shows are super cool, like Air Jaws, the show about great whites that predate the "Ring of Death" around Seal Island, a couple of miles off the coast of Cape Town, South Africa. Because of the depth of the water around the island in this ring, and the clarity of the water above from below, these sharks are able to zoom up from the bottom of the ocean, building momentum, and then strike the seal from below with such force, that it is flung up into the air, where the great white completely breaches the water, snatches the seal out of the air, and then disappears beneath the waves. We're talking 1.5-ton fish hurling themselves up out of the water, nose in the air, tail a foot above the water, before turning and diving back down in to the water, nose first. It's like freaking dolphins.

And I was watching American Shark, which travels around the coast of the U.S., discussing shark life in all environments possible, from the deepest ocean depths, to popular beaches. It also shares why some species deserve fear, and reveals others that are rare, or just rarely seen.

I also learned that blue sharks have been observed eating krill, which is something whales do.

I seriously learned about a few kinds of sharks that I'd never even heard of before, much less seen. Salmon sharks? Megamouth sharks? Greenland sharks aka sleeper sharks? New to me!

I had not only never heard of Greenland sharks, but I surprised to learn that they are nearly blind because they have parasites called copepods that attach to their eyeballs and obscure the surface of the retina. They copepods also dangle unattractively from the eyeballs, making the sharks look much less sexy.

People always assume that I hate sharks, but they are wrong.

I don't hate sharks, because they are doing what they were built to do, millions of years ago. They can't help it if squishy, moderately tasty, and easily caught potential food sources are roaming around in their territory, getting all up in their spaces.

They aren't fucking with us, we're fucking with them. And we're invading their territory in larger masses, in places we've never hung out before. Of course we get nibbled.

For the most part, I have a healthy respect for them. And while I am equal parts fascinated and horrified by their existence, I can't help but admire them for being efficient enough to stick around for millions of years, mostly unchanged.

There is a beach in the Venice, Florida, where an insane amount of shark teeth wash up -- most of them prehistoric. Apparently, in a ten year period, one average healthy Tiger shark can shed 24,000 teeth. Multiply that by a bunch of sharks over millions of years, and your're talking lots of fucking teeth to spare.

I guess that just scares the fuck out of me, like most prehistoric yet-still-living things do.

Sharks are okay, I just don't want to be in any sort of proximity to them, unless there is a viewing window and a tank involved.

I was actually happy to hear that the juvenile female Great White that the Monterrey Bay Aquarium had on display was finally released back into the wild.

Over the nearly-200 days they had her, they did a pretty good job taking care of her. They fed her in a way that mimicked how she would get food in the wild, so that her hunting instincts wouldn't dull. And she lived in a million-gallon tank, but a tank can't replicate the open sea.

She started attacking her smaller tank mates, because that's what large predators do, biting and killing two soupfin sharks, and stalking other breeds of sharks in the tank with her. She also regularly kept bashing her nose against a certain section of the tank, apparently attracted to almost infintessimal amounts of electromagnetic activity in the area, causing the end of her snout to be continuously raw and abraded, exacerbating a wound that she sustained while being caught.

So, they let her go after fitting her with tracking devices, and recently collected data about her life post-aquarium.

My new favorite shark factoid, courtesy of Shark Week: Apparently, adolescent bull sharks hang around in estuaries and similar places to avoid being gobbled by larger sharks. While they are there, living and growing until they are big enough to fend for themselves in deeper and wider waters, they feed on fish, smaller sharks, turtles, and human refuse.

That's right, they eat POO.

People poo, at that.

I can't adequately explain why that tickles me so.

It just does.

ice-t would be proud.

...i'm tired and a little sad

07.17.05

Yesterday, I picked up my reserved copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince at Borders. They had some sort of crazy thing where if you pre-ordered the book before a certain date, you would get it for 30% off, which I am totally all about.

You may be surprised to know that I didn't even open the book last night.

My energy was focused on something that happened at work that is so entirely ridiculous, I can't even talk about it.

So, when I got home from work, I ate, wrote a very important, and lengthy email to my DM, and then went to bed because I had to get up early this morning to go to an all-day American Crew class thingy that The People Who Sign My Paychecks sponsored for us stylists, in Rosemont. I got tapped to help out at both the morning and the afternoon classes, and there's a whole story about that clusterfuck that I'll probably discuss some other time.

I'm here to talk about Harry Potter.

I knew that today I would have a couple of hours between the two classes to entertain myself, so I brought the book along in my bag.

During that break, I read the first quarter of the book there, and then when I got home around six, I picked it back up, and finished it by 10:15pm.

And yes, it is 652 pages long.

I read quickly, but I may have actually set a new personal record.

And here is what I have to say about the book right now.

1. My eyes hurt, and not just because I have allergies.
   
   
2. It is just as good as all the other books, and makes me really really really want to know how the story ends in the next book, because wow, there's still so much for Harry to accomplish.
   
   
3. This book is really fucking dark.
   
   You have to remember that there are a lot of very nasty people and creatures that don't have morals to live by or consciences to battle running loose in this fictional world right now, wreaking wanton havoc, and there is a lot of violence, some of which is actually fairly graphic. Not to mention a much higher body count than any of the previous novels.
   
   In fact, it almost makes Order of the Phoenix look like a moderately hazardous cake walk.
   
   A lot of people are going to be upset by this book, and I think that most of them will be children.
   
   I predict some nightmares among the book's younger audience.
   
   
4. This book actually manages to keep secrets throughout its pages.
   
   It has twists and turns you don't see. There are unresolved mysteries. Things will make you say, "No way!" out loud.
   
   This is a book full of unexpected happenstances, good and bad, and it's going to be a very long couple of years until we get the final installment of the series.
   
   I just hope that the next book can live up to all the expectations that it's going to have to meet, but there will be many of them from a lot of different sources.
   
   
5. Right now, I think J.K. Rowling is a big ol' bitch. (Much like Kyle's mom.)
   
   And I feel this way for many reasons, none of which I care to list for your viewing pleasure.
   
   There would be more swearing, and I might accidentally spoil the book for someone.
   
   You wanna read what someone else has to say about something? Go read a book for yourself.
   
   

And that would be my take on the subject right now.

I need to go to bed now.

Good night.

i could have been mercedes or kirsten dale...

...so i'm pretty happy with what i've got

07.14.05

I was re-reading baby's got a bad bad name, because someone else that I know was recently talking about evil baby names.

And, I decided that if you are stupid enough to name your daughter Heaven Starr, you have absolutely no right to judge or get upset when she settles into that career stripping erotic dancing doing burlesque.

Why, why, why do people want to take a perfectly good name and change the spelling to make it distinctive? Or make up a name? Or use a regular word that isn't a name?

When I was a kid, you could only find pre-monogrammed things with Kristin on them. No Kristen, just Kristin. And I felt bad because I couldn't have a special pencil with my name on it.

No kid needs to be named some warped spelling of a real name, like Robynne Madicyn or Makkenzie Ashten. Or even worse, something fucked up like Thazel (makes me think of thass), Cinsere, or Beyonce.

I know someone whose daughter is named Shanelle, you know, like the perfume Chanel. Except not really, stupid.

And the parents say things like: " I'm expecting triplets in April and we've picked out the girls names: Alexana Chenaur and Kia Nicasey. the boy my husband wants to name Richard Allen, I think it's a bit boring and prefer Shaden Elijah. Last name Zane. What do you think? I prefer unusual but not to far out."

Chenaur? What the fuck? How do you even pronounce that? And Nicasey? That's totally made up.

P.S. Kia is a brand of car. I'd suggest Lexus or Audi as an upscale alternative to Kia, but there are probably poor children out there already saddled with those names.

Maybe you should just name your boy Motorola, Magnavox, TiVo or Samsung, and just be done with it.

They aren't unusal names -- everyone's heard them a gajillion times. I just think that the average person isn't quite ballsy enough to scar their children with those monikers yet.

The field's wide open.

Come on, you know you want to trend-set and name your son after a piece of quality electronic equipment.

I would suggest Sony, but I've met one of those already. And apparently it's a girl's name.

I can't even imagine how badly I would have felt if no one could pronounce my name, and/or everyone made fun of me because of my name.

Inflicting Shaden Elijah on a child is just outright asking to get your son's ass whupped daily on the playground during recess.

Or maybe I'm totally wrong here.

So many people are naming their babies stupid fucked up imaginary alternatively spelled fantasy names that it'll probably be the kids named Shawn or Kevin that will bear the brunt of the future schoolyard beatings, and be the brunt of everyone else's jokes.

"Kevin? What the hell? Didn't your momma know that it should be spelled Keyvanne, and that it's a girl's name? And Shawn? Maybe Le'Shayawyne or something, but Shawn is just plain weird. And Le'Shayawyne is a girl's name, too."

Oh, the fun that the Qaleeshas and Saqq'anyjes of the world will have with those poor boys.

(I think that Q should be the next big letter. Fuck Y. Instead of Jacklynne, or Jackylyn, go for a good, hearty Jaqqlín.)

ebay vendor/plagiarism victim.

...see pixie ramble

07.13.05

Over my vacation, I sold a can of Kenra hairspray on eBay.

For some reason, behindthechair.com decided that I needed sent a full-size can of the stuff, and I don't use hairspray. So, eBay it was*. I even sent it to the buyer in the original box and packaging. All I had to do was tape it back shut and slap on a mailing label.

Pantene sent me all of their new color shampoos and conditioners in a boxed set as a thank you for doing product testing? I sold it on eBay for zero profit -- postage and sellers fees broke even with what the buyer paid, but I didn't mind because at least it's getting use. Nobody I knew wanted it, I didn't want to foist it on anyone I care about because I didn't like it, and I probably would have just ended up throwing it away. At least this way, someone else can enjoy it for me. I also just had to tape the box back shut and slap a mailing label on it**.

I'm drifting off topic a little bit here, so let me get back on task.

When I sell things, I like to make sure they are well-advertised, so I spend a fair amount of time putting together the right sort of listing. I research the products at their home sites, finding out all the info I can to share with the public, and often explain the stories behind either the product of the manufacturer. I find it makes them really accessible to and easily understandable for the general public. This is a thing, it does this that and the other thing, it contains no sulfates or CFC's, oh, and P.S. this company saves the whales.

You might never have heard of Grund hair care, but if you find out that the scientist that formulated the product line, Dr. Lee Hunter, has received world acclaim for his humanitarian work in the formulations of cleansing reconditioning solutions during the Alaska oil spill, science which to this day continues to save animals, and has spent over 30 years formulating products for Clairol, Jhirmack and Redken, you might be more interested in the product line.

Or maybe you've never heard of Senscience hair care, or care about the Zotos corporation -- creators of the hair care line Bain de Terre -- which was one of the first companies to introduce anti-frizz shine serums, but you might recognize the Shiseido name from their well-respected cosmetics line, and be more inclined to pay attention to a product line that was co-created by the people at Shiseido and Zotos (Shiseido now owns Zotos, and through Zotos, owns ISO and Joico.).

I think you get the picture. I could give more examples, but you'd hate me and be bored to death with hair care trivia.

So, here is my listing for Kenra Volume Spray 25 - Winner Stylist Choice Award '05

And here is a listing I just read on eBay, from someone who lists under the name sara_sells_stuff: Kenra Volume Spray 25 - Winner Stylist Choice Award '05

As you can imagine, the title caught my eye, so I looked at the listing, and noted strong similarities to mine.

Maybe she should change her name to sara_plagiarizes_other_people's_listings.

I know it's petty, but I almost sent her an email telling her that while I was glad that I could save her the time of actually researching and putting together her own listing and coming up with her own listing title, maybe in the future she should give credit somewhere to the person whose listing she copied word for word designer of the original listing.

However, I didn't because I thought that might be a little hypocritical, since I did get most of the information from Kenra's own site, and I got my image from behindthechair.com, yet I didn't give either of them credit. I do include a link to the parent site somewhere in the listing, though, so that the visitors to my listing can also visit the manufacturer's site and see other products, or find out more information from the company. And now that I think about it, I do think that in the future, I will make sure to include somewhere at the bottom of the informational text block "information from [productmanufacturer.com]." Or something along those lines.

It's pretty much standard practice on the web to use the manufacturer's own description of the item, as it best describes what it is and how it is used. But I think the consumer is likely to know that, and figure that all of the listing's text is original work. If you buy a shampoo from drugstore.com, the description they use is the same exact one that is on the product line's bottle or website, or both. Regardless, I still think what she did was a little tacky.
..........
*The Place Where I Work often gets large amounts of stylist samples -- full sized products for the stylists to use at the salon, or take home with them. Whenver we get something, I always make sure everyone is offered the same thing, and anything that isn't wanted I put in the promo box.

There are so many things that I haven't taken because I knew I wouldn't use them. And they're still all sitting in the promo box.

When Kenra introduced the 5-piece Kenra Platinum Styling Collection, all of us had the opportunity to take home a boxed set with all 5 items, and a nice display rack -- which I totally could have sold on eBay. Yeah, I just took a pomade.

When TIGI introduced their new Catwalk shine spray and BedHead Masterpiece hairspray, I turned both of them down. Also good sellers.

I've also turned down half a dozen different MOP products, some Nioxin stuff, and many other things I'm totally forgetting.

But while I do have the absolute right to take home one of each of the products I didn't take when originally offered, it seems sort of shady several months after we got it, to magically decide that I do want them after all.

I don't have a problem taking gratis when it is first passed out to the staff. They gave it to me to take home, and I do whatever I want with it.

Lots of times, if I think I know someone will want a product, I'll take it home and then give it away to a specific friend or family member. Or I'll take it, knowing that someone will want it at some point, and hold onto it until that right person comes along. It's mine, after all. If I want to give it to a neighbor, so be it. The distributor gave it to me to use. I might to choose to use it as a gift, or use it other ways.

I made like $30 profit from the Alterna white truffle shampoo and conditioner sale. The buyer got it at about half off retail price, which is nice for her, and I paid the electric bill, which is nice for me.

One of my stylist always takes whatever is offered, and then gives it to his ex-wife or one of his daughters if he doesn't want it for himself. He used the Alterna white truffle shampoo for himself, but gave the conditioner to his daughter L. because he uses a specific conditioner already.

But if I know I only want it to sell on eBay, it doesn't feel right to me to take it now. I know it's pretty much only in my head, but it feels like stealing. If I wanted to take it home because I decided that I wanted to start using hairspray 3 months after it was offered to the salon staff, I would tell the General Manager what was going down -- to explain why I had a can of hairspray in my purse, and then I would take it home.

It might look a little odd if I rolled up to the office with 10 different items I've turned down over the last 6 months, and said, "Hey, I decided to start using two different kinds of hairspray, spray wax, thermal setting spray, gel, this one shampoo and conditioner, this other shampoo and conditioner, and this pomade at home, so I'm taking them now. Cool?"

I probably could get away with it, too, but I'd rather hold onto it and give it out as rewards to the staff, use it as salon product when we run out of the stuff we're already using, and as promos for recruiting and the like.

**Perhaps only amusing it me, I actually sent out something that someone else bought in the actual box that had contained the original Pantene product samples that I product tested.

Renew, reuse, recycle, and all that.

I hoard boxes to reuse for other things, myself. I've almost always got the perfect-sized box for something I'm mailing to someone, or to use as a gift box for a present. (And if I don't, I can totally find one at work.)

skate party on the east coast!

...and i can't go

07.12.05

I got this in my email, and I can't go because I am in Chicago, but if any of y'all have the chance to roller skate with the Dresden Dolls, I highly recommend it.

Someone(s) should definitely go, and then tell me all about how fricking cool it was, and how they made new friends and it changed their lives.

If only because Amanda and Brian were so gracious, sweet and polite after the nin show. And it's for charity.

Or because I said so, and you want to do what I command because I am persnickety and you do not want to incur my wrath, which is mighty.

Plus, Amanda doesn't shave her armpits, so if you're into the furry* type of ladies, this is the scene for you. And if that sort of thing puts you off and makes you not want to go, the likelihood of her forcing you to get all up in her hairy armpits is very very low. Unless you ask nicely.

Did I mention it's for charity?
..........
*And when I say furry, I mean covered with fur. I do not mean furry in the creepy zoo-porn, dressing up like stuffed animals sort of way.

lost on orleans

...it wasn't a good day

07.11.05

One of the things I needed to accomplish during vacation was to get continuing education hours. Well, it wasn't exactly during the vacation, but more like the personal day after the vacation.

I was going to go to see Manuel Rodriguez, an acclaimed Pivot Point educator and platform artist, teach a class about skill building, and also demonstrate recent trend releases.

I knew the class was at the Holiday Inn Mart Plaza, 350 N. Orleans, in Chicago, but I didn't really know how to get there, so I made sure to download the directions to the place onto my pda.

And when I got in the car, I realized that I had apparently not downloaded anything to my pda, and certainly didn't have time to go back upstairs and try again. I was giving myself a 55 minute window to get from my house to the class, which should have been more than enough, but I also know that I can lose track of time doing stuff like sitting in front of the computer, so I was just being cautious.

So, I called Tifling on my cell phone, using the speakerphone feature, and got directions from her as how to best reach the destination.

She said to get off the LSD at Wacker, and then head west to Orleans, which I did.

I drove north on Orleans, and realized that I was up in the 400's, so I had to turn around somewhere and try again.

What I was mostly looking for was the "new Holiday Inn parking ramp across the street