fyi:

I will not be around my computer at all Wednesday through Sunday afternoon, so if'n you've got something of great import to tell me about, you'll have to call me.

And if you don't know my number, you probably don't need to call me.

Just make a comment or drop me an email.

Ciao.

dear kenmore, maytag & whirlpool:

Washing machines should have a "mend" cycle.

That way, when you toss an intact dirty shirt into the laundry, should the seams become unravelled on both sides in the same place during the wash cycle, revealing an astoundingly symmetrical lack of structural integrity, and it isn't noticed when you remove the shirt from the dryer, fold it, put it away, and then later wear it, one of your clients won't point out the fact that your shirt is split at the seams on the left side.

Then when you tell this story to one of your cow-orkers, s/he won't also then point out that your shirt seam is split in the exact same place on the right side, but didn't say anything because s/he thought that it was built that way, what with both sides open at the seams in the same place and way and all.

Because, let me tell you, if I was going to design peekaboo side slits into a shirt, I certainly wouldn't choose to expose a random 2 inch section of flank, almost midway between the armpit and navel.

Not that I would really consider designing such an odd feature into any hypothetical item of apparel that I might create, but still.

As an aside, there should obviously be a "leave torn" cycle, so that you don't end up with expensive designer jeans that come replete with cute little patches midthigh or on the knees, or don't have one ass cheek hanging out, as God and the designer intended.

special edition tiny

I went down to Q101 to pick up my special edition RHCP iPod, and got it a little too easily.

I showed up to the studio, told the woman squirreled away behind the reception wall of bulletproof material who I was, she presumably called the promotions department, and some dude showed up to hook me up with my prize.

When I had originally spoken to the lady from the promotions department, she had told me that I needed to provide a photo id and my social security card.

And I brought them along with me.

Oh, so very unnecessarily, it would seem.

The dude looked like he had kicked off happy hour at about 4:20, ahem, and seemed to be a little slow on the uptake.

He asked me what my name was, I told him, he handed me a list of people's names, told me to sign next to mine, and then handed me a small black box and an envelope.

He told me congratulations, and then wandered off back into the mysterious inner depths of "free speech radio."

When I opened up the box later, I was confused, because all I saw was a little black iPod with a silver back. It didn't look particularly magical or RHCP-y, but it was free, so it's all good.

Thursday, I had to go to an early management meeting at work, on my day off mind you, so I skipped on over to Best Buy afterward to get myself a lovely storage and protective case for my new iPod. I had some lovely reward zone gift certificates to cash in from buying my computer, so I figured why not use them for that...

Mind you, this is like a week after I actually picked the thing up from the radio station.

When I was actually trying to figure out which case to buy, removing the cases from their packaging when possible, I happened to turn the iPod over and see what looked like a smudge on the shiny silver back of the thing.

Upon closer inspection, it became clear that what I was seeing was not a smudge, but was in fact a tiny engraved RHCP logo circled by 4 tiny engraved autographs of the individual band members.

Dude, if I were making a special edition iPod for myself, you sure as hell would looking at the front of the thing to see what was special enough about it to require it's own edition.

Me, I'm expecting a red RHCP logo on the center of the click-wheel, or maybe something art-worky all around the face of the iPod that ties in with their new album, Stadium Arcadium.

But, whatever.

It sounds good either way.

words that aren't used enough.

1. gobsmacked
2. gawp
3. lollygag
4. smote
5. twain
   
6. cleave
7. betwixt
8. queue
9. obfuscate
   

A busy day.

First, I had the yearly girly poke-n-prod at 8am, complete with Doctor Lisa getting to first base (although I think she technically made a home run, what with the speculum and all), and the biennial cholesterol check.

Then I went home and took a nap for an hour.

At 11:30am, I went to the dentist, because I was convinced that my back teeth were riddled with decay, pestilence and cavities.

The dental hygienist took 12 bitewing x-rays, inadvertently creating sore spots in various gumline locations. She said she'd be back in 5 minutes, after the images were developed.

For the next 10 minutes, I listened in horror and amazement at what the dentist was telling the woman in the room next to mine.

No joke, he actually told her that they would clean all of her teeth, but the tartar build-up was the only thing keeping several teeth from falling out, and they'd have to leave those few teeth alone. He also had a lot to say about the rest of the teeth, saying a bunch of them needed removed, that she needed root canals and crowns and bridges and all sorts of other stuff. As he went through each tooth

She asked if all of that was necessary, and he told her the other option was to pull them all and wear dentures.

I wanted to see her teeth so very bad, just because they were unbelievably unhealthy-sounding. But I also didn't want to gawp at her.

When the dentist finally paid me a visit, I asked him how bad the damage was, since I was convinced that my second molars were shite.

Smiling, he told me that from looking at the x-rays, he couldn't find anything wrong with any of my teeth, and that other than a little gum recession around where I am missing a tooth on each side, and some tartar build-up, my teeth were fine.

He also suggested that I consider getting a crown on my second molar and an implanted first molar on the left side this year, and then get the other side done next year, when my dental benefits reset.

Because I am lacking lower first molars, the second molars and the second pre-molars are afforded no protection to their sides, which on the left side has manifested as a significantly absent inside rear corner of my left second molar. (Your teeth are not pliers. If you can't open a bottle of nail polish using your hands after it's had hot water running over it for ten minutes, you probably won't be able to get it open yourself without breaking the bottle. Your teeth are not pliers.)

Fortunately, my right second molar and pre-molar are pretty much intact.

So, I got a cleaning, and the dentist's office is getting my tooth repair preapproved. I hope they have a payment plan, because I'm not going to charge my $750 or so co-pay to a credit card.

Next, I went to the Store for a 2:00pm district-wide conference call to learn how to use the new online application system, called UNICRU. People can apply from any computer, and then at the store we can look at their computerized applications, should they make it past the established criteria quiz, and proceed with interviewing and hiring from there.

Mostly, it means no more paperwork or paper applications. And the Company isn't going to pony up the loot to have a kiosk at each store for people to use to apply, so if you don't have access to a computer with web access, you're boned if you want to work Where I Work. Which will probably be more of a burden than a boon at first.

Here I thought that Washington, IA was tornado alley...

Confirmed F2 Tornado Struck City - Metro
IC suffers at least $3M in damages - Metro

One time, long ago, I had to sit in the dark in a hallway of the Old Capitol Mall with a bunch of other people, because 75+ mile an hour winds were wreaking havoc in the streets of Iowa City and Coralville.

It was pretty scary, but the resultant damage wasn't too bad.

Power was down for about 5 hours, streets were flooded, and the street traffic was being regulated by the Iowa National Guard.

A train crossing the Iowa River on a narrow bridge was about half derailed, dangling cars into the murky nitrate-ridden depths of the river itself.

Limbs blew down everywhere, about a third of the trees on campus turned instantaneously turned into scrap lumber and firewood, but there was very little property damage beyond a few banged up car and some flooding.

Damn, I'm glad that I moved the hell out of there.

We don't really get the whole tornado thing here by the lake.

god bless celexa, for perfect endings.

Last year, when it was annual employee appraisal time, the old GM assigned set of employees to each member of store management, and of course the stylists to me, and told us all to write the evaluations, then give them to him.

He then went through, downgraded almost all of the ratings, and told us to do them over again.

If someone was given an "above target" rating, he most likely changed it to "on target," because everything associates or stylists would do to go above and beyond target would probably be something they were supposed to do as part of their original job descriptions already, and if they were doing their jobs, they were "on target."

Now, he hasn't been at our store since before the holidays, because he got shipped out to another store to run it while the GM of that store was on maternity leave. Then the GM of another store quit, and he was permanently reassigned there.

So, he hasn't worked with me for like 6 months, has no idea what I've been doing with the salon or the staff, and doesn't pay attention while we're all on weekly district-wide conference calls, so even if we were discussing the disposition of the salon, he most likely wouldn't be following along and would thusly be ignorant of our salon achievements and challenges.

He got to write my appraisal, which was fairly sucktastic, which is also what I was expecting from him. And the new GM got to give it to me, as he had gone over it with the old GM a few weeks ago.

I'm completely baffled about a few things I was rated poorly for, but overall, I don't care what he scored me. I still got a raise (Woot, I'm extra rich now!), which at 2.9% isn't the greatest, but is still more money than I made yesterday. (Last year I got a 4.26% raise, with lower sales and productivity, and a different GM rating me...)

So, somehow I guess I find the appropriate ending to this day is that immediately after I went both 1 & 2, the blue toilet tank tablet that was added to my living situation earlier this week by building maintenance decided to deposit itself immediately underneath the stopper in the tank, forcing the toilet to overflow all over my bathroom floor.

And the bottom couple of inches of my pants.

And my slippers.

And the rug.

Etc.

Of course, it wouldn't stop flowing, and the closest scooping device to lower the water level in the bowl enough so that I could use the plunger without worsening the situation, just happened to be my hands.

How appropriate that I finish my day by scooping yellow water out of a toilet bowl and into the bathtub, plunging vigorously, knocking my hairbrush into the toilet tank while I fiddled around with the blue thing and the stopper, and then wound it all up by spending a half hour crouching on the bathroom floor with cleanser, rags and a dustpan, cleaning up a disgusting mess.

On the plus side, my bathroom floor is very clean, and I make 2.9% more now that I did before.

Which just makes it all worthwhile.

And other than being annoyed and a little amused, today was fine. No crying, no whining, no pouting. Better living through legal chemistry rocks.

P.S. Princess Stinkerbell came in to the salon today to get her hair colored and cut, and her eyebrows rescued from whatever evils had been perpetrated upon them by some hack in the recent past. It was a nice surprise, both the getting to see her and hang out, and the getting to do her hair again.

why i rock, sometimes.

Okay, so the radio station I listen to in Chicago is Q101, and they label themselves as an "alternative rock" station, which is pretty accurate. Mainly, they play the sort of music that would have only hit the airwaves on college radio, like 15 years ago.

Their big tagline is that they play "everything alternative, now on shuffle." Like an iPod, you know.

Sometimes it's Green Day, sometimes it's System of a Down, sometimes it's Johnny Cash performing "Ring of Fire."

Mostly it's Green Day, System of a Down, Korn & something like Death Cab for Cutie or Interpol, for some indie-type street cred or something.

Either way, they don't play boy bands, either of the Simpson girls, Aerosmith, Eric Clapton or Phil Collins.

Which is fine with me.

The other day, either while I was getting ready for work, or while I was driving to or from work, I heard a radio promotion saying that if you submitted a "my shuffle" including a song by Red Hot Chili Peppers, & they liked it & wanted to play it, you'd win a special-edition RHCP iPod, a $10 gift card to iTunes, & get entered in a drawing to win an iTunes gift card for the entire RHCP song catalogue.

And I didn't really think much about it.

Then, because I'm a 101 Club member, I got the weekly email from Twitch telling the public what promotions they were running, what the concert calendar was playing, & the like.

So, I decided to go over & enter to win Death Cab for Cutie tickets.

And I saw the "my shuffle" RHCP promotion being boldly advertised on their mainpage, so I figured, "Why not?"

What you do is pick 5 songs, give it a title, & write a little blurb as to why you want to have these 5 songs played, then submit it.

So, I called mine the "Lollapalooza 2 Mainstage minus Ministry," & picked a song each by Jesus & Mary Chain, RHCP, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, & Ice Cube.

And submitted the following,

"Once upon a time when I was 20, a friend at work asked me if I wanted to go to Lollapalooza. I asked when, & was told, "Tomorrow."

Living at home for the summer between college sessions, I left a note on the table that said where I was going, packed a bag, & got into a tiny car with a bunch of other people, most of whom I didn't know. Next stop, Cincinatti.

I had my first White Castle, saw The Jim Rose Circus Sideshow for the first time, discovered cheap smokes in Florence, KY, & had a rock ass good time all around the Riverbend Music Center.

I pioneered the "It's too damned hot to wear a shirt so you can just deal with my bra & -- hey, my face is up here" movement (one minute a slutty social pariah, next minute just another bra in a crowd of many), kicked a lot of ass with my steel-toed jump boots, & bought a bootleg t-shirt in the parking lot after the show.

Now that I'm "grown up" & "responsible," I generally don't feel particularly cool or edgy. And sometimes, when I'm feeling my lowest, squarest, lamest, & dead-end-lower-management-iest getting me down, I like to take out the ticket stub from that show that I keep tucked away in my files, look at it, & remember when I was a rebel & a tease, care-free & stupid, a bitch & your best friend, & usually quite happy."

Honestly, I knew right after clicking the submit button, I'd be the proud new owner of a special-edition RHCP iPod & a $10 gc to iTunes.

How you ask?

Why, because a lot of people that work at that station are probably about my age, or at least an age appropriate to my situation, which allows me a window for quality written emotional manipulation. Like the above, well-edited, much thought out, golden ticket to the music factory.

And today, at 12:51pm, Ned from Q101 called me to let me know that they wanted to play my shuffle, that I'd won the iPod & iTunes gc, & that I needed to record some intros for the air.

So, this Sunday, in the 10am time slot, you get to hear my radio-unfriendly voice introducing "Suck My Kiss," by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And that is why I rock, sometimes.

The end.